someone call the doctor got a case of a love bipolar

I used to think you were such a catch. How could I, a girl like me, find and keep a guy who was so successful, so grown up, so attractive? I was so happy to have you by my side. I felt like I could learn so much from you about life.

what I learned was that all of those great things mean nothing if you are emotionally incapable of any kind of love. If your heart is closed off to the world how can you expect to ever be happy. You say that you only know how to depend on yourself because you could never depend on anyone. Yet here I am just waiting for you to lean on.

One day, when you are really alone, I hope you think of me and realize that I would have loved you forever, been there for you and held you when you cried. And because of your stubburnness you have lost me forever. I hope that one day...you can lean on someone, even if it isn't me.

Oh the twists and turns of life.

Well, I'm beginning to get even more convinced as time goes on that Steve isn't the one for me. But the question is why am I holding on?

And the answer to that is...his actions and his words are polar opposite. One day he can tell me he doesn't have any feelings for me and less than a week later he is holding me in his arms and looking at me like he needs me.

I read in my horoscope today that I should be with someone who loves me as much as I love them.

But I love Steve...And I want things to work with us I don't want to leave him but I can't wait forever...we are on a break...but it isn't technically a break because we are still seeing each other and not seeing other people...but I don't want to waste a whole summer waiting for something that will never truly be mine.

He tells me about his night and I count the colours in his eyes..

Life is so circular.

I never realized just how circular it was until I came across a poem I wrote two years ago...that describes very familliar feelings...feelings that I have begun to feel again with someone new.

You would think after a relationship failed you would not go after another relationship with strikingly similar characteristics. Yet someone here I am same situation. why might you ask?

Because....I love the adventure, sure I can tell you...70% positive....that this guy isn't the one for me..he's not my true love, he won't wake up one day and say hey Alyx I love you couldn't live without you. But you know what I'm ok with that right now..because damn is he ever a good lover. I've never felt so desired by anyone in my life.

you seem too good too good to be true you're holding me stronger, stronger than i'm used to

mmmm.

So I don't know what caused this sudden change of events but I don't care.

Spent the weekend at the boyfriends place, yes his new place. It was awesome.

life stories.

I've finally made an executive decision about where my life is going. I am going to take a post graduate course at centennial college in human resources management. It may not be what I've always dreamed of doing, but it's something. My life doesn't need to be about my career, in fact I don't know if I ever had a dream job. Plus I'm friendly enough, patient enough and would be happy enough doing that.

things with Steve are OK. but as you can tell by my last...probably mashed post, I'm a little confused, a little disorientated. Maybe he needs to try harder to show me he cares. I always get like this. He's just not like guys I usually date, he's doing the grown up thing and I'm not and it's weird. I've been feeling very weird about my life. I'm 21 but I work at a bookstore and I go to school. Technically I'm an adult but really I'm not. Nothing I do is adult-ish. I just started doing my own laundry.

I don't know what it's going to be like going back to school. Incredibly strange is a good way to describe it. I've been out of the school mood for quite some time. I have no idea what is going to go down hopefully it won't kill me.

I may end up working for the chapters company forever! I'm thinking about applying for an internship in the summer with the indigo home office. If my manager gives me a good recommendation I may have a good chance....would be nice to have a grown up job for a little while anyway.

of all the girls throwing rocks at your window i'll be the one standing there even when it's cold.

Nothing lasts.

it's true.

Why is life so not what you expected. Why can't I be the girl who demands you kiss her feet and then runs away to join the circus. Why am I the one who waits? I am always the one who waits always. Why is it when I look in your eyes, you seem to say all the things that never come out of your mouth.

I feel like someone pressed the pause button on my life and it stuck. I can't unpress it. I am a child and yet, not a child. You have stocks and your own place. I have my room without the lock and the cell phone buzzing when are you coming home my dear.

everything is so jumbled. One minute I think I am wanted, and the next I have no idea. Why is it that at 16 I was more sure of myself than I am at 21. Who knows. So many whys, too many whys for one girl that's for sure.

does this make any sense to you?

My lips hurt.

I think it's safe to say, that i've done more kissing in the last two days than i've done in six months. I'm not really sure how or why this happened. It was actually pretty random..didn't think anything would really come of it. OK so this is a terrible thing to admit...but i'm going to admit it anyway. I went on this dating site...plenty of fish yea, I know..SKETCH town. But I started talking to a guy who seemed pretty normal we talked for....a couple days and then I suggested we meet at le skratch because I was going out for my birthday with a bunch of my close friends. And it's always PACKED on thursdays so if I wanted to lose him, I could lose him. I actually didn't think he would show up he seemed really reluctant to come. But as I was stumbling around at 11 30 already pretty buzzed this guy walks up to me, he had nice eyes. I could have sworn they were green.The first thing he did was hug me...if I was sober maybe it would have been awkward but I was drunk so it was nice. ahah then he said I looked amazing which of course made me blush. He brought a couple of his friends. I felt really bad right away because they looked so awkward...like they weren't having a good time. So I talked to them a bit. I was surprised when the short one....named sarg? lol asked me what kind of shot I liked...I said surprise me :P because i'm not that picky about my alcohol when i'm already drunk. Soo the next thing I know i'm standing at the bar with these three guys, Sarg the short one, Jon the tall one with glasses and my guy Steve. Steve is also a good height, perfect for tippie toes kisses. Even though I was a little drunk it was still a little bit awkward..but I was soon to learn that I wouldn't be just a little drunk anymore oh no...as shot after shot came my way courtesy of the random boys I became less and less worried about this meeting with Steve. When we got back to my friends it was clear to everyone how drunk I was. Especially after the unfortunate tiara throwing incident....oops I forgot to mention I was sporting a birthday tiara, yes, I'm that cool. Anyway...as I was standing there..leaning into steve I mentioned that maybe I deserved a birthday kiss. He later told me that was very sly of me. I am so sly when i'm drunk. not. It was around 2 am when my friends asked me if I was going home with Steve..of course I was not going home with Steve i'm not that kind of girl! But I let him drive me home bad idea perhaps? but it ended with him walking me to my door and another lovely kiss. Fast forward to last night....a couple dates later..and a facebook picture taken the night we met. I asked him if he was my boyfriend yet..and he said yea. This is all happening pretty fast....but..there's something about him that I like well a couple things. It doesn't seem like he's had very many nice girlfriends...and I am a very nice girlfriend. He also seems to have a lot of crap happening with his family which I am not 100% sure about but he said that hanging out with me makes him feel less stressed.

AND get this...he said he wants to take things slow.....he's doing an OK..job of that so far lol..
we shall see how long he lasts on THAT front.

So i'm not really sure if I'm being rational about this at all..but at this point I really don't care I'm having a really good time and I'm not going to do something stupid just yet. :P

oh and school? What school :P

Alyx.